The Rules of Floating
Over the weekend I drove to San Marcos to go floating with some long lost friends. It has been a YEAR since I have gone floating now, which in college time is roughly 25 years of my life, so it was no surprise that i had forgotten the "rules of floating," if you will.
The rules of floating are very clear, but easily forgotten when your out in the real world where people are not bums. It seems I had become to floating what senior citizens are to downloading music & twitter..... a little confused. So for my friends who may be thinking about embarking on a river trip without any prior "floating" knowledge, I'd like to help you out by letting you in on a few secrets of the trade.
Rule # uno: Never Rent A Tube at the river- Companies down by the river love idiots & out -of-towners who never float. Why? Because they buy stupid stupid things they don't need and they pay to rent a shitty black tube that burns your back, hands, and legs for 2x the price that you could buy one for. So before you hit the river, stop at Walgreens, CVS, or Walmart (in a river town, they all sell them) and buy yourself a $9 cheap-as-all-hell, thin-as-grandpa's-old-underwear, tube. I promise you it will hold up in the current and you won't give a shit if you fall off of it and someone steals it (which happens quite often, sadly).
Rule # dos: PAY THE MONEY TO PARK: Okay, Okay, calm it down. Now some floaters may be enraged about this one and say that it is unneccessary and to just walk your lazy ass the mile or two to the river, but I am here to tell you that this is all wrong. Take it from someone who has floated the river hundreds upon hundreds of times now; carrying your tubes, cooler, cooler tube, and girlfriend who drank too many wine coolers & jello shots and is now throwing up on the side of the river and flashing passer-bys, is a lot easier when you are not parked in another zip code. And anyone who has experienced the foolishness of getting out of your tube at the exit thinking your still sober, only to realize upon standing up that your completely tanked, can tell you that they had wished the car was parked close by.
Rule # tres: Buy TWICE as much beer than you would normally buy: This might be the most important rule of them all and here is why. College students are BUMS. BUMS I TELL YOU! They will sneak, grab, bribe, and steal beer from anyone, they do not care who you are, if they know you, if they don't, or if you are their grandmother. And if you go over a waterfall, rock, or have a seizure and fall out of your tube, causing the beer to go down with you; they will save the beer before they ever think about saving you. Bottom line- bring 2x as much beer as you normally would, because no matter if the river devours it or the students do, either way you have half as much beer as you started with.
Rule # cuatro: Do not bring your wallet, phone, keys, camera (unless it is a cheap waterproof one that sucks): Believe me, you will regret it: I cannot tell you how many times I have gone to the river where someone has dropped their keys, wallet, money, camera, glasses etc into the water where it is lost for all eternity, or until someone who is smart enough to scuba dive in the river, finds it and keeps it. If that thought doesn't scare you enough, think about this: You float for a few hours, you bring your keys to the river because you were the driver and you didnt want to put them in your gas tank because as you know everyone puts them in the gas tank, then later you go down a waterfall and your keys which you thought were tied securely to the string on your swim shorts, drop into the water and they are gone. GONE. You gasp and start screaming because you have no spare key and oh yeah you think well I can call someone to pick us up, but then you remember you locked your phone in your car and so did everyone else, and to top it off your the only semi sober rational one who can still speak in complete sentences and all of your moron friends keep pissing everyone off so that no one will allow you to use their phone and when you finally do get someone to let you use their phone, you end up paying $80 for a new key. I will repeat the rule: DO NOT BRING YOUR VALUABLES INTO THE RIVER!
I will be back with more.. stay tuned.
The rules of floating are very clear, but easily forgotten when your out in the real world where people are not bums. It seems I had become to floating what senior citizens are to downloading music & twitter..... a little confused. So for my friends who may be thinking about embarking on a river trip without any prior "floating" knowledge, I'd like to help you out by letting you in on a few secrets of the trade.
Rule # uno: Never Rent A Tube at the river- Companies down by the river love idiots & out -of-towners who never float. Why? Because they buy stupid stupid things they don't need and they pay to rent a shitty black tube that burns your back, hands, and legs for 2x the price that you could buy one for. So before you hit the river, stop at Walgreens, CVS, or Walmart (in a river town, they all sell them) and buy yourself a $9 cheap-as-all-hell, thin-as-grandpa's-old-underwear, tube. I promise you it will hold up in the current and you won't give a shit if you fall off of it and someone steals it (which happens quite often, sadly).
Rule # dos: PAY THE MONEY TO PARK: Okay, Okay, calm it down. Now some floaters may be enraged about this one and say that it is unneccessary and to just walk your lazy ass the mile or two to the river, but I am here to tell you that this is all wrong. Take it from someone who has floated the river hundreds upon hundreds of times now; carrying your tubes, cooler, cooler tube, and girlfriend who drank too many wine coolers & jello shots and is now throwing up on the side of the river and flashing passer-bys, is a lot easier when you are not parked in another zip code. And anyone who has experienced the foolishness of getting out of your tube at the exit thinking your still sober, only to realize upon standing up that your completely tanked, can tell you that they had wished the car was parked close by.
Rule # tres: Buy TWICE as much beer than you would normally buy: This might be the most important rule of them all and here is why. College students are BUMS. BUMS I TELL YOU! They will sneak, grab, bribe, and steal beer from anyone, they do not care who you are, if they know you, if they don't, or if you are their grandmother. And if you go over a waterfall, rock, or have a seizure and fall out of your tube, causing the beer to go down with you; they will save the beer before they ever think about saving you. Bottom line- bring 2x as much beer as you normally would, because no matter if the river devours it or the students do, either way you have half as much beer as you started with.
Rule # cuatro: Do not bring your wallet, phone, keys, camera (unless it is a cheap waterproof one that sucks): Believe me, you will regret it: I cannot tell you how many times I have gone to the river where someone has dropped their keys, wallet, money, camera, glasses etc into the water where it is lost for all eternity, or until someone who is smart enough to scuba dive in the river, finds it and keeps it. If that thought doesn't scare you enough, think about this: You float for a few hours, you bring your keys to the river because you were the driver and you didnt want to put them in your gas tank because as you know everyone puts them in the gas tank, then later you go down a waterfall and your keys which you thought were tied securely to the string on your swim shorts, drop into the water and they are gone. GONE. You gasp and start screaming because you have no spare key and oh yeah you think well I can call someone to pick us up, but then you remember you locked your phone in your car and so did everyone else, and to top it off your the only semi sober rational one who can still speak in complete sentences and all of your moron friends keep pissing everyone off so that no one will allow you to use their phone and when you finally do get someone to let you use their phone, you end up paying $80 for a new key. I will repeat the rule: DO NOT BRING YOUR VALUABLES INTO THE RIVER!
I will be back with more.. stay tuned.
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